Love

A lot of things have had love on my mind recently. My kids, my wife, my parents, and my friends, the people that I interact with. On so many levels, I love them all. Sometimes it blinds me. Sometimes it helps me to see.

I had my first girlfriend, Andrea, when I was 16. Yeah, I know it was a bit late for my peer group. We worked together, even though she went to the high-school across town. Wow. What intense feelings I was having. I was giddy. I felt warm when I saw her. I felt nervous and overwhelmed. I couldn't wait to see her. We dated for about three weeks. That's when she started dating someone from her school, and we broke up. It was also intense. I didn't want to be around anyone. I had lots of friends who came to offer their support, and then left to give me the space I wanted.

It hurt. But I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world. I wouldn't admit it at first. At first, I wished that we had never gone out. That way, I wouldn't have had the intense feelings. That way it wouldn't hurt as much. Then, only a few days later, I realized that the feelings that I had been feeling had become a part of me. They had influenced what I had become. Likewise, the pain had influenced who I became. I can still feel those feelings when I put myself back there.

I remember that while I was dating my third girlfriend, Cheryl, I had a conversation with one of my friends who had been there for me when I had broken up with Andrea. He asked me if I felt the same way with Cheryl as I had with Andrea. I had to say no. Did that mean that I had not loved Andrea? No. I knew the feeling. It was different, but I knew both were love.

This is something I have seen many times since then. With every love I have had since then, I have noticed that each feeling was different. Each had the taste and smell and feel and joy of that particular love. I saw a post online pointing out that the Ancient Greeks had many different words for love (Yes, I know that we have adopted at least one of these words into English, but I don't think it is regularly enough used to be considered common). This was an interesting idea, but I had different feelings even within the same "type" of love. My love of my daughter is not identical to my love for my son. My love for my mother is not the same as my love for my father. Each is unique.

What do I believe now? Love does not exist in a vacuum. Any love, whether familial, romantic, self, or other, is evoked. Our memories and thoughts both evoke and color the love. And it's hard to separate them. I'm not even sure it's possible. These memories don't have to be big or grand either. It could be a look, or a laugh. A smile or a sigh. A caress or a comment. Even in the present, when we are with them and making those memories, we are remembering other times. Our minds work associatively.

What about the first time, when we are falling in love? In some ways, this requires a little more definition. How do we "fall" in love. Is it one step, and boom, we're there? Not in my experience, so I can't talk to that feeling. For me, there are things that I feel immediately. My impression of the hairstyle, or body shape, or the sound of their voice. There are things that are less immediate, but definitely short term. Jokes, stories, interests that catch my attention and evoke a feeling in me. There are things that influence me over the longer term. Like actions performed or stories told that are directed at, or mindful of, me. Somewhere in there, I see parts of me. And somewhere in there, I'll see complements to me. And as I store these events away, a love is built.

In many respects this seems like a "Duh, that's obvious" thing to me. This is something I have thought about for a long time, and indeed, due to my prepping for the service last Sunday, it had come up again. Still, that wasn't enough to provoke this entry. It was a comment someone made about being disrespectful that provoked it. I sent off a short email, and then went to bed. But my mind didn't stop thinking, and when I woke up, I had to write. To be disrespectful of our love for someone, we would have to trash those memories. Or forget completely. We don't need to do that. We all have so much capacity to love. We can keep our love for one person, and still find room in our hearts to love others.